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Dr. P-J's Blog

Only Son

8/20/2021

4 Comments

 
Picture
8/20/21
Yes, I am the kind of person who reads The New Yorker. And yes, I am the kind of person who keeps a big stack of aging New Yorkers trying to read all the dog-eared articles. This book review from April seemed promising - the quote from J.M. Coetzee . . . "'a deformed and stunted' society produces a deformed and stunted inner life" really resonated with me as it applies to my own country - deformed and stunted indeed, but with hope, I like to believe.

And then I got to the passage "first the mother dies, then the father, then one of their daughters, then their only son" and I stopped reading. I find I have no further interest in anything James Wood has to say.

It all rides on the insertion of the word "only" to describe their son. Why say "only son" and not just "son"? The meaning is the same - "only" is redundant. But oh what a powerful redundancy - as though the low value daughters are akin to a litter of kittens, but the son . . . oh the son is the inheritor of the family name, the family estate, the family heritage. And only one! What a tragedy.

But the daughters? Oh you know, just girls. That some number of daughters survived? Not important compared to the loss of the ONLY son.
​
​And that gives rise to another "only son":
Picture
Does the author compare the loss of the only son to the loss of the most famous martyr of all time? Well I won't be reading the rest of the book review so I'll never find out. The author weaves the narrative of male patriarchy into his text and it's not for me. Perhaps I'll read some bell hooks to soothe my wearied soul.
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4 Comments
Diane Charles
8/21/2021 11:02:51 am

I call them paper cuts..thin but deep. It's always there available to those who look. We swim in an ocean of misogyny, it pours like a shower, it coats your skin, sometimes so thickly you cannot tell that it is sufficating you. It takes strength not to feel stunted. For me.it started when I was barely four. Can you imagine a child that young recognizing sexual vibes from adult me? Even though I knew who the predators were on two occasions they broke thru my defenses. I learned to hide to disappear. (Maybe the women who seem so weak are also in hiding?) Idespite this i was stalked by male teachers. At age 27 during a growth group experience I broke form my shell. No one in the group had any idea why I was crying. I retained my privacy, but I was able to feel empathy for others, and thus as they came towards me, i had the choice to ignore them, give them the middle finger , shake their hand or hug them.. I had witnessed tear, emotional pain, grief, ..as the first person approached, a male, I opened my arms and cried as I embraced them, all 25. Nobody had a clue that I had this amazing break-thru. I read your questions and this is what you pull from me.

Reply
Dr. P-J link
8/23/2021 10:55:08 am

I totally get what you mean by the women who seem so weak are hiding. I have always had great sympathy for women who don't stand up to their own oppression. I know I am fortunate to have been raised to stand up for myself - very lucky indeed.
I am so sorry that you were preyed upon by predatory males. They go for the vulnerable ones - I was therefore mostly spared and my experiences pale when compared to yours.
And yet - when I met you, you were (and are) a ferocious advocate for women's rights - organizing a weekly demonstration in Fredericksburg on the corner of Jefferson Davis Highway and Princess Anne Street. How many times did we go out there? Dozens? Joined by others or just the two of us.
You are an inspiration to me.
<3

Reply
Diane Charles
8/25/2021 08:15:34 am

I was trained to be docile and obediant. Predators smell this. I told my daughters, my story, to not look weak, to question adults openly. Still it did not save them completely. Haven't done a recent survey but in my early years i only knew one of my friends that did not have a story of predation. Later in my years as a Massage Therapist, I worked with women whose abusers were fathers and other relatives. They were severly damaged. My job was to bring them back into their bodies to experience the joy of feeling.
It was a healing for me that I believe I was led to do. (27 no form of touching allowed except by my husband. Forty years I touch males and females in a controlled environment. Great sense of power to be in complete control. My male mantra was "I know where you live and I know how to hurt you. hahhahahaah

Diane Charles
8/25/2021 08:18:32 am

I loved your tough no BS approach to life. Yes, i admired your strength, i was drawn to in in a room filled with activist men and woman. You shined like a jewel! I felt very empowered with you by my side.

Reply



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Shelley Pineo-Jensen, Ph.D.